Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Stop the Wheel

It kills me to admit this, but... I'm tired.

photo borrowed from renegadehealth.com

Don't get me wrong - life is great... great husband and kid, awesome farm with amazing critters, a community of friends that stretches around the world, growing fiber business... so it was hard for me to figure out why I've had such a hard time getting anything going the past couple of weeks.  OK, months.  The to-do list just stares at me in the face, and gives me a resounding raspberry.   For the most part, I've met the obligations and appointments, and have been successful at carrying out the plans on the calendar (Farm Camp rocked, and my students amaze me!).  But I have some obligations, some tasks, and some ideas - lots of big ideas - that just aren't getting any traction, and I'm frustrated with myself.

Then I remember other times this has thwarted me in the past, and I see the problem, again.  In my race to excel at what we do here at the farm, I've loaded myself up with too many good things, and the plates are spinning, and the wheels are turning, and the balls are in the air, and the pressure is on, and the momentum is building, and I haven't allowed time to catch my breath, and I'm about to pass out, figuratively.  (And it doesn't help that it's deep summer with high temps and humidity.  I'm absolutely allergic to this weather.)  The farm and I have a bit of a codependent relationship going, and neither of us wants to let up, even for a moment.   The business, the social media, the farm responsibilities themselves, can seem like a ravenous coal fire that must be constantly fed with shovels full of excitement and novelty, and that will wear a girl out, if she's not careful.

So my mind and my body take the car keys, so to speak, and won't let me out of the house.  I'm even slower to get going in the morning, and less inspired to tackle hard jobs.  Phone calls and emails go unanswered until I shame myself into responding to the nice people who have contacted me for help in various ways.  Not proud of this...

It's time for a little vacay, I guess, but I'm not sure how to do it. Not sure what it would look like.  Chores still need doing and appointments still need keeping.  But I will make a point of NOT feeling anxious and competitive about winning.  As though I'm in an invisible race against mediocrity and ho-hum-ness, and not-quite-good-enough-ness.  That's a race where it's hard to track your progress, so you keep applying the lash, just in case you're falling behind and don't know it.  That'll kill ya.  That's what needs to stop.

I hate whining, so I hope that's not what I'm doing.  I just wanted to say, don't worry if I step back from the party just a bit, for a little while.  Nothing is coming off the calendar, but probably not much will go onto the calendar for the present.

I still have big ideas and big plans.  I just need to stop the wheel long enough to catch my breath.  I knew you'd understand.

12 comments:

  1. Wow, do I understand and have felt the same way many times - and I don't have half of the obligations you have. But not taking time to breathe is detrimental to your health, both physically and mentally. So, just breathe.

    Oh, and I couldn't have described it better.

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  2. Cynthia Spann4:57 PM

    I feel your pain! I have a lot of different responsibilities and interests pulling me in so many different directions. Sometimes it makes me crazy and I have a little meltdown. I hope you can find some time to relax and take it easy for a bit!

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  3. Take some time for FUN that has nothing to do with the farm or your responsibilities and business.

    FUN without guilt seems to be severely lacking. We all need it. Even SuperWoman needs FUN to give her the strength to deal with the villains.

    You should put it in your schedule - then do it first!

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  4. Anonymous6:10 PM

    oh, honey... we ALL understand... maybe the vacay isn't about GOING anywhere; maybe it's about going NOWHERE. just the farm, just for a while. (and yeah, "just" the farm... I know... made me LOL, too... but you know what I mean...) slow it down, scale it back, commit to nothing. wake up and decide each day if you even want to get dressed. order food delivered, eat on paper plates, and sleep in... catch up on movies. your ideas are good, but they aren't confined to the NOW. they can happen later, and that's perfectly ok. or someone else can run the show for a while... rest is critical.

    REST.

    (what's that old saying? "Be still and know..." Be STILL. just breathe.......)

    kate culbertson

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  5. My only comment: AMEN!

    Teresa Hammond

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  6. Understand perfectly!! Take care of yourself... we will all be here... :) Me in the figurative sense obviously...

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  7. We all need to step out of it now and again...take your time...we will be here :^)

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  8. Sounds like a high-speed wobble! We've all been there, just take it easy.

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  9. Of course we understand. Even while overachieving I feel like I'm not doing enough. It's one of the hazards of being creative. If you never had a new idea you wouldn't feel that overload. As a former mentor of mine once said, "Sometimes I wish I was able to just work at KMart and love it."

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  10. Happening to me at the moment, I think! There's a lot of emotion around and I feel as though it's all getting on top of me! I think sometimes, we all need a break, even if you just change the routine for a few hours a day. The animals still need you, essential chores still need to be done. Sometimes especially as women, we try too hard to give to others when we need a little time to stop and smell the roses, notice what's growing and listen to the birdsong! I'm sure you do that, just reminding myself too! Take some time out for the next few days, I am setting myself the same goal! Love and hugs
    Caroline

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  11. I totally understand what you mean. When you have a farm, it's always there and something is always needing attending. We can't just leave for 10 days and not think about it - there's so much more work to going away, it's often easier to stay home and do it ourselves. Each day ends and I think of the things I had to get done, the things I wanted to get done and the things I dream of getting done. Usually I only complete the things I had to get done.

    What I have gone to doing is having one morning each week that I don't rush to start my day. One day I can lay longer in bed, drink my coffee without rushing, and just let the morning be. So many mornings I rush out to do farm chores and I want to get in that run before the weather warms up and so on.... I deserve one morning to just be :) the farm will wait, one day without running won't hurt me. I'd suggest finding a way to have a break so that the rest of the time you are energized for what you need and want to be.

    Cara

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  12. I got a problem too ... I spent two solid weeks in Missoula, Montana visiting my Mom and being pretty active just about every day. I felt great ... started to feel like my old self again, the younger, healthier version.

    I come back here (traffic was horrific Tuesday evening) and I'm becoming a slug again. I need to be active but walking the same places and riding on a spin bike indoors just doesn't do it for me.

    I was thinking I need to be some one's slave for a couple of hours in the mornings on a farm or ranch. I'm a morning person, and it's cooler in our mornings than it is in our evenings.

    I'm thinking we both have some problems that maybe could be solved if you allowed me to be your slave weekday mornings. ;) Can't do it on Saturdays or Sundays, but definitely wouldn't mind schlepping bales of hay, feed or whatever else is a daily routine for a couple of hours early Monday through Friday. Don't even want to think about getting "paid" in any way, shape or form. If it works out and gives me the physical outlet I need to feel useful and healthy, I can save myself the cost of a gym membership (which I'd probably stop using after a while!).

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